We've reached the end of a snowy and chilly winter's week ... and it's not even officially winter yet. Welcome to Canada. To warm your cockles and prepare you for two days of relaxation and merriment (read: trapped in your car in a mall parking lot on the verge of tears) here is yet another Friday Time Waster Supreme.
Oh, Christmas tree...
Canadian researchers, always on the cutting edge of vital scientific research, have discovered what causes Christmas trees to shed their needles. The white coat crowd from Nova Scotia Agricultural College and Université de Laval, said ethylene is the culprit behind balsam fir trees shedding their needles on your living room carpet. The ethylene is released naturally by the trees when under stress and is also part of their natural decaying process. Scientists believe that some sort of mutant chemical compound could be developed to block the ethylene release which would significantly extend the life of the average yule tree.
I'm no university researcher, but I'm fairly certain the best and least toxic way to keep the needles from falling off is to not cut down the tree.
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Gunning for Ron Hextall
Spotted by Dave Stubbs of The Gazette recently, Carey Price taking ice-length shots at an empty net at the Habs' practice facility in Brossard. Price told Stubbs he and buddy Josh Gorges were just clowning around.
Mark my words, it will happen this season. Bets anyone?
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Killing Off Another Toronto Power Play
Speaking of Price ... it seems the morons in charge of the NHL have been busy watching other sports lately. It's the only explanation as to why four Maple Leafs players made it on this year's All-Star Game fan ballot, compared to only three players from the Canadiens, you know that team that went all the way to last year's Eastern Conference finals while the Laffs were three-putting their way around the GTA. Price was one of the more notable Habs left off the ballot.
Fortunately, Price is leading the write-in portion of the balloting for goaltenders and should be in the lineup for the 2011 All-Star game in Raleigh, North Carolina. Did I also mention that Tomas Plekanec isn't on the ballot? Well he isn't, but is also among the leaders in write-in votes, well ahead of Phil Kessel who was on the ballot. Nice try Toronto, even when you try to fix the vote you still suck.
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I know John Lennon was all about peace and love, but seeing Stephen Harper perform Imagine on the news this week made me want to vomit.
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Robbing Banks Not Thrilling Enough for You?
A 31-year-old woman was arrested for attempting to rob a police station in St. Laurent. The woman allegedly showed up at the station after it had closed and convinced a city employee outside that she was a police officer who had forgotten something. The employee opened the door for her, and she entered the station alone.
Minutes later, two real cops showed up and discovered the woman inside.
"She was unable to explain her presence there," a police spokesperson later said. "She tried to tell them the same thing ... that she was a police officer."
The officers searched the woman's bag and found an official police jacket. They proceeded to search the rest of the building but did not find anything else missing. The woman was arrested then and there.
One the one hand, that woman needs to find a better vocation than theft, and on the other isn't it good to know our police stations are protected by Slacky the Swivel Servant?
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Hard-Earned Tax Dollars?
It had to happen eventually. Like many cities in these hard economic times, the city of Dortmund, Germany is faced with mounting deficit. In response to this problem the city has launched a new "pleasure tax."
What is a "pleasure tax" you ask?
Well, if you didn't already know, prostitution is legal in Germany, so the town of Dortmand came up with a scheme that requires prostitutes to purchase a 6 euro "day ticket" for every day they work, or face a potential fine. The city estimates that the new tax will generate about 750,000 euros a year.
Wouldn't it have been easier to just deduct that amount from all the male city councillors?
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Unmentionable Holiday Humour
Overheard on the Team 990's drive show with Mitch Melnick. Three men arrive at the gates of heaven on Christmas eve. Saint Peter greets them, holding a clip board which he suddenly tosses aside.
"You know what?" he says, "it's Christmas eve. So I'm going to forget about the standard questions and just ask you for one thing. I want each one of you to reach into you pockets and show me a symbol, any symbol, of Christmas."
The men look at each other, then one suddenly digs into his pants pocket, pulls out a lighter and fires it up.
"What is that supposed to be?" St. Peter asks.
"A candle." The man answers confidently.
"Good one," St. Peters says, "you can go ahead."
The next man starts rifling through his coat pocket, pulls out a set of keys and proceeds to rattle them. St. Peter eyes the keys sceptically, "And those are ...?"
"Bells." The man replies.
St. Peter smiles. "Well done, you can go ahead."
The last man has been staring at the tops of his shoes the entire time, unable to make eye contact. St. Peter prods him, "Well?"
After a long awkward pause, the man suddenly looks up, his eyes wide with excitement. He digs deep into his pocket. His hand emerges holding a pair of women's underwear.
St. Peter frowns at the frilly panties, then looks at the man with a raised eyebrow.
"What exactly are those supposed to be?"
The man grins. "Why, these are Carol's of course.
Have a great weekend everyone.
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