What is the fundamental difference between adults and children? I'm not referring to the obvious things like size, age, experience and income. Adults have more of all of those things, and all the responsibilities that come with them. I'm talking about attitudes and perspective on life.
John Hughes 80's masterpiece film The Breakfast Club is among the most profound allegories on the transition from childhood to adulthood. The characters in the film represent each of the various social divisions that emerge over the course of time in high school. The popular girl, the geek, the jock, the nerd, the rebel. All different and yet all very much the same. Searching for identity, acceptance, belonging while facing an uncertain future. The movie effectively captures an ongoing dialogue of the fears and frustrations shared by generations of young adults.
When the character's conversation turns to their impeding transition to adulthood, Allison, whose quirky and irreverent personality makes her the most marginalized of the group, declares: "When you grow up, your heart dies."
Those words still linger in the recesses of my mind. At times I wonder if teens look at me and think it is true.
Much of adult life is about meeting deadlines, making and keeping schedules, paying bills and somehow finding time for leisure, or a good night's sleep. As a parent, the responsibilities are even greater as we want our children to get the best education, nutrition, be active and expose them to opportunities we may not have had in our own youth. We push, prod and yes, we nag. We want the best for our kids in much the same way as our parents did.
Only as an adult do we realize the work and sacrifice our own parents gave for us. Which helps explain that cavernous disconnect between adults and teens. Our kids only see the pushing and prodding and the parents only see laziness and contempt. Perhaps this is a chasm that, by design, simply cannot be bridged. The stubbornness and audacity of youth is necessary to establish one's independence. To break free from the nest and discover one's identity. Unfortunately for parents it often means sitting on the sidelines and watching our children struggle and sometimes fail.
Our kids often don't get that the most basic motivation driving every parent is quite simply love. What most parents don't get is that a child's pursuit of individuality is a necessary part of growing up and not meant to be personal.
On Saturday evening, my wife and I were at a Halloween costume party with our young son and many other parents and children, when something rather profound happened: it snowed.
It may not sound like anything particularly dramatic except for one very obvious thing. As the fat wet flakes swirled out of the sky, the children celebrated and the adults moaned. Then and there, on display for all to see, was the fundamental difference between adults and children.
The more I thought about it, the more I wondered at what point the first snowfall went from being something exciting to something dreary? At what point did I stop looking for opportunities to have fun rather than complain? Seeing the children's excitement brought back a certain joy that seemed to trump all of my adult cynicism which made me think that maybe that generational chasm was not as wide as I thought.
All these years after first seeing the film, I can finally take issue with The Breakfast Club's Allison. When we grow up, our hearts don't die. They are often drowned out by the noise of routine and responsibility. They are quieted by the need to be stoic and vigilant. They are kept in check so that we can be supportive and encouraging.
If anything, as an adult, I find my heart to have grown deeper and more easily touched. Battle-worn yet overly responsive to all of life's joy and pain. Though it may not be obvious to kids and teens, the love that adults have is far richer and more profound than they can possibly understand.
Which is okay. They will. One day.
In truth, for all of the complaining and moaning in the adult protest of an early snowfall, somewhere, deep within each of us, was a little child saying: 'yay!'
It was good to know our hearts are alive and well.
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