The Friday Time Waster Supreme: Reloaded

For those of you who came here yesterday looking for a blog about public urinal etiquette, I shall explain the use of absurd humour as a literary tool to lighten an otherwise heavy topic in another blog. In the meantime, find a comfortable seat, the hot beverage of your choice, put your office phone on voice mail so you may enjoy this week's regular brain spew. It's my gift to you.

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As if we needed further evidence that the game of hockey is not for the faint of heart, take a look at the Canadien's Travis Moen. Fifty stitches on his brow after nearly having his eye sliced out with a skate blade. Two games later, he was back on the ice with the team for their 4-1 win over the Florida Panthers. Considering we live in an era when people take personal days for paper cuts, that's pretty freakin' tough.

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Buzz Aldrin probably won't make it past the first round of Dancing With The Stars, but he still looks like he could kick the crap out of Chad Ochocinco. He walked on the moon for Pete's sake!

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The line of the week comes courtesy of Bonnie Preece, the No Frills cashier who won $20 million in the 6 49. In response to a question about her ex-husband who divorced her some years ago, eventually leading to bankruptcy:

"Sucks to be you."

Ain't karma grand?

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If you weren't paying attention this week, apparently democracy in the United States of America has been usurped by an evil (legally elected) dictator. Among this crazed tyrants first commands: providing healthcare to more of its citizens. Mark my words, this philosophical descension into anarchy can only be part of some diabolical scheme to create a population of healthy but brainwashed superhumans bent on spreading their twisted message of compassion and dignity all over the planet. Somebody call Gilles Duceppe to begin mobilizing the resistance.

My God, what could possibly be next? Social security for seniors and federally funded education?!! Oh wait, they already have those.

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Is it just me, or does Microsoft Word remind you of that pesky, overly keen new kid in the office who just wants to help you with everything without being asked?

If I wanted freakin' bullet points, I would have asked for freakin' bullet points!

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Okay, okay, I hate to see people so despondent, here we go:

Proper Etiquette for The Public Urinal: A Primer

• always face forward, or downward to monitor your progress, in the latter case a short glance is sufficient
• if the person next to you decides to strike up a conversation, you may look in his general direction, however under no circumstances should you make eye contact
• never look down to monitor another person's progress
• should you missfire, be sure all spills land on yourself
• never try to cut into a lineup for the porcelain wall pots, unless you enjoy receiving unscheduled dental work
• there is no maximum distance to stand behind a person while waiting your turn, if your back is not against the opposite wall, you are too close
• if you end up standing next to the same person on your second visit or more, you must avoid that person for the rest of the evening or in some cases, for up to a year. Unless that was your plan.

No need to thank me, it's a public service.

Go Habs Go. Enjoy the weekend.