It's hard to put into words what it means to be a dad. There are so many ways to describe the parental experience, the vast majority of which are positive, but there are one or two little negatives along the way. Of course, when you decide to bring children into your life, you really don't have any clue what to expect, even if you thought you did.
When my wife and I got married seven years ago, we both agreed that we would like to add to our little family. Our son Josh was just ten years old at the time and we knew that he was excited at the prospect of being a big brother. It was something we talked about frequently, but we didn't actually make any firm plans. This is something for which my wife and I are quite gifted. Eventually, she decided to take matters into her own hands. One beautiful spring day, my wife and I went for lunch at the Willows, one of our favourite haunts. I wasn't aware at the time that a midday escape was not the only item on the agenda. It was all a plot, I would learn later, to get me beyond the 'I'd like to have kids someday' phase.
So we charted our course from there and you can pretty much figure out the rest.
It wasn't like I didn't have any experience as a dad. I had been a step-dad to Josh for a while. My experience in this role had taught me a many things. As a parent you discover that even with your flaws and foibles, your child will still grow up to love you, but as a step-parent that love has to be earned every day. Which is why I have often felt that building this relationship was one of the more rewarding experiences of my life.
When I first found out that my wife was pregnant, my response was 'wow.' Another great personal moment of eloquence. At the time I couldn't think of a better word. Wow. It was part joyful anticipation and part nagging uncertainty. It was impossible to know then if I was prepared for fatherhood. I was even unsure of how I would cope during my wife's pregnancy. I've always found it easy to say that one is prepared to face any given circumstance, but until you're in it, you really don't know.
It's not difficult to become intellectually prepared for parenthood. There is no shortage of experts who have written entire libraries on the subject. A significant portion of which does more to scare the bejeebers out of expectant parents than it serves to inform. One gets the impression that there is a virtually unending list of things that parents must do right, lest we condemn our offspring to a lifetime of setbacks and failures. One thing I learned not long into parenthood was that a stack of books was great to sit on while changing a diaper, but not much use for anything else.
Every kid is unique as is every situation. While we can draw from generalities and the knowledge gained from the experiences of others, there is no substitute for plain old common sense and following your instincts. Yes we have them, and they will show up when needed.
Now that I've been a dad for a while now, I can say with some authority that there is simply no greater, more wonderful, more life-altering experience than being a parent. It will mine the depths of your emotions like no other. It will draw strengths from within that you never thought possible. It will push you to the limits of tolerance and sometimes beyond. It will bring a joy so profound that it reverberates right down to your core.
When you become a parent, for better or worse, it changes you. This isn't a superficial change, it is fundamental. You can't go back to the person you were before, and you may at times find you don't even recognize your old self.
As a parent you laugh harder, feel heartache deeper and experience even the simplest moments with greater richness.
Today is my son's sixth birthday. In those short six years I can say that I have experienced all of the above hundreds of times over. Every day I am surprised and amazed at how this little boy has transformed my life. How he can drive you to the point of insanity in one second, then melt your heart to a blob in the next. Watching him grow and seeing the world through the innocence of his eyes is something that never gets old. He is full-on energy, and giggles, and curiousity, and demands, and silliness, and hugs, all in one compact little package.
Along the way, this poor child has had to cope with a dad who fumbles and stumbles as he tries to figure out all the right things to do and say. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes not so much. Happily he doesn't seem any worse for wear, and somehow I managed to become a little wiser. The best part, for me at least, is that parenthood just seems to get better with time. The challenges get bigger and the problems get more complicated, but these only serve to make the relationship that much deeper.
I still don't know how I measure up to all those parenting experts, but when my kid walks up to me without prompting, gives me a hug and says 'I love you daddy,' I figure I'm doin' okay.
Happy Birthday Noah.
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