One of the hardest things about being a parent is living with those moments when you realize that you completely and utterly mishandled a situation. It happened to me last night, twice in fact, in the space of about five minutes. My six year-old son was throwing a defiant and loud tantrum, and I shouted at him at the top of my lungs. The aforementioned tantrum occurred during the dying minutes of the Canadiens-Capitols game seven match up. While I was stressed-out as a hockey fan, there was no excuse for my outburst.
The rule of thumb for parents when their child is throwing a five alarm hissy fit, is to back off and respond in a calm and measured tone, or depending on the situation, ignore them completely. Trying to outmatch the intensity of the child's tantrum only leads to a further escalation.
Unfortunately, for both of us, my capacity for rational reasoning had gone out the window with less than three minutes to play in the hockey game. The Habs won, but I blew it.
When it comes to parenthood, there are no do-overs, but there can be a whole truckload of guilt and regret.
If there is any consolation for having your shortcomings exposed to your children it is that we invariably learn something about ourselves. As I've said before, kids will push your buttons like nothing else. It's almost as if they are born with the skill and have an inexplicable need to exercise it. I've often asked my sons why they had done something they clearly knew was wrong only to send us parents into fits. The response was always "I don't know."
That's partly true. Kids regularly do things, good or bad, to get attention or affection. They are competing for our time and do so with unrelenting passion. I don't think however, that they take a lot of time to consider why they do it, they just do.
Understanding these complexities is not for children, it is for adults. Unfortunately we don't always analyse these situations with that kind of clarity, particularly when we are caught up in something to which a child does not, and cannot, relate.
As parents it can be difficult to navigate the adult world and also be sensitive and responsive to our child's needs. You'd think it would be simple and natural, but sometimes we get lost between the two worlds.
What I am discovering is that the stumbles I've made as a parent are teaching me more about myself than I thought I knew. I've become more aware my faults and attempt to address them as best I can. There are some things that I know I cannot fix, but I can at least I can make them better.
There is no perfect formula for the relationship between a child and a parent, but there are time-tested qualities we can apply: patience, understanding, open-mindedness, empathy and forgiveness. In fact, these qualities ought to be an integral part of every relationship.
The most important lesson I've learned is that despite my mistakes, and the ones that are to come, somehow my relationships have grown stronger. In many ways it is when we stumble that we are forced to see our true selves and yet continue find acceptance from those around us.
When it comes to those time-tested qualities, children seem most in tune with forgiveness. Which is good news for a guilty dad who wished he could've shown some patience and empathy.
Hopefully I'll be better prepared for the next game seven.
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